Tuesday, December 14, 2004

It is interesting to be the person thawing out in a state that is freezing in.

Random things get me to pondering: plump snowflakes that gather like pussywillows on stop signs, the vitality of the morning starlight, the elderly neighbor that greats me with a warm "Merry Christmas" as I walk by with my puppy, the co-workers who decorate their office doors as giant gifts, the ever-consistent, yet shockingly-reliable, way which my day improves, dramatically, by virtue of having woken up to my boyfriend's voice, the eagerness of my puppy to jump into a pile of snow.

I still haven't gotten to the point where I am beyond pausing, suddently, stricken a bit with the sheer fortune of having found this place.

Of course, I'm still also at the point where I can be stricken with the terror of being forgotten, or outdated, or .... there really is just one term for this. I am still also at the point where I can be stricken with the terror of being non-NY.

But those terrors generally fade. I can reason myself down from that panic.

The differences between the accolades of "success" and the success of finding a way to be securely happy are many. Seriously. I no longer know the new restaurants. I haven't recieved any insider emails or been on any list in over 7 months. I haven't, because I couldn't, bought anything that would have panache enough to even get me into the Hollywood Diner. But I don't worry about getting fired. I don't worry about "taking the hit" for someone else, or insincere overtures, or whether I'm in the know enough to pepper my stories with the appropriate nuances of cocktail banter about products and vacation destinations. No guy has told me to change my outfit. I don't need to escape to a spa in order to remember how to breathe and I wouldn't dream of using vacation to go to one.....It was a 60% pay cut, and 200% life gain.

Yet it takes a diligence and commitment to keep myself reminded of that. Fortunately, where my own diligence and commitment lapses, the snow, my neighbors, my co-workers, my puppy, the generousity of spirit that thrives up here, more than compensate.

And maybe I can take comfort in knowing that I have proof that I lived NY well: the experience is still living in me.

But that's enough waxing for the night.


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